You Mad, Bro?

Every day, my spam folder gets filled with those emails promising reward if only I provide my social security number and date of birth. While I admire the moxie of these users that have the uncanny ability to click send, I wonder who succumbs to their efforts. Without question, the email that gets results has to have a heck of a pitch. However, most inboxes don’t have a preview pane. No sales pitch, no matter how well contrived, gets read unless the sender name and subject line inspire you to think, “I have two choices. I can drag this to the trash can or I can double-click the captivating subject line. That ain’t no choice at all.”

Here is today’s submission.

From: Markson Williams

I guarantee that I don’t know anyone named Markson. I barely know any Marks. No one knows a Markson, much less Marksons. Is this Sons of Mark? Is this a biker gang? Or the opposite? Is this a religious group? Both? A religious biker gang? Maybe they are responsible for guarding something. The Messianic Secret Riders. I wouldn’t mess with them.

My friend Gruve thinks one of the greatest things about the Roman Catholics is the mystery guardians that are always the protagonists in movies. The bad guy is always some 70 year old priest. For some reason, he has at his beck and call a group of athletic assassins to wreak havoc. He calls them papal ninjas.

Gruve also thinks that being Pope would be cool because Popes get to issue bulls. That’s an actual thing, issuing a papal bull.

OK, “Markson,” I’m in.

Wait the last name is Williams? I know a ton of Williamses. At best, this is a friend messing with me.

Subject: PLEASE ASSIST.

(crickets chirping)

How far I got before I clicked on the big red X under the toolbar:

I am Markson Williams, the head of International crediting department with Trade Bank England.

Four words in, I thought “My friend is really committed to this charade. He points out that his name is exactly what he said it was.” Then I run into International crediting department. Follow that with Trade Bank England. Neither of those three word phrases sound real. Running all six words in a seven word descriptor? Click.

Fool is You Mad

Every day, my spam folder gets filled with those emails promising reward if only I provide my social security number and date of birth. While I admire the moxie of these users that have the uncanny ability to click send, I wonder who succumbs to their efforts. Without question, the email that gets results has to have a heck of a pitch. However, most inboxes don’t have a preview pane. No sales pitch, no matter how well contrived, gets read unless the sender name and subject line inspire you to think, “I have two choices. I can drag this to the trash can or I can double-click the captivating subject line. That ain’t no choice at all.”

Here is today’s submission.

From: Mrs.Kathe Thorsten

I don’t know no Kathe Thorsten.

Kathe? Not Kathy? What’s going on, here? Who is Kathe Thorsten to write me and not even put a space after the period in Mrs?

Wait, do I know a Mr. Thorsten? Nope.

Subject: Hello/.

What the…? Hello? Followed by a slash? And another period?

Maybe Kathe Thorsten is becoming more intelligent in some sort of Flowers for Algernon experiment.

How far I got before I clicked on the big red X under the toolbar:

Dear Friend,

Please read this slowly and carefully as it maybe one of the most important mails you'll ever get.

This is 2014, Kathe. We don’t do anything slowly and carefully. Punctuation may be fun, but this email isn’t. I’m out.